It’s a word that most Canadians are intimately familiar with: self-esteem. In a nutshell, the term “self-esteem” refers to how much someone values her/himself as a person. Here I explore how some of what we label as "low self-esteem" is actually very self-full.
Read moreGratitude Beyond Thanksgiving
Today is Thanksgiving in Canada, and, at the risk of coming off as cliché, I’m reflecting on the spirit behind the occasion. Holidays are interesting phenomena in the way they remind us of important values or principles for a very short period of time. Here I explore how gratitude can be a helpful thing to practice beyond Thanksgiving.
Read moreGiving Advice Vs Sustainable Solutions
I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been in situations where we feel at a loss for what to do. Maybe you’ve faced some big impending decision on the horizon, or felt like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve met with lots of folks who have brought these kinds of issues into the counselling room, many of whom started off hoping for some expert advice. I try to offer something much more substantial and sustainable than easy answers to people’s problems.
Read moreGender-Based Violence: A Men's Issue
Not long ago I had the privilege of seeing American author/speaker/film maker/activist Jackson Katz address audiences in Victoria, BC. For those who aren’t familiar with his work, Katz speaks to issues around the relationship between violence in our culture and some of the ways men are taught to be men. A number of the men I work with in therapy have shared their experiences of challenges they’ve come up against while navigating the expectations imposed upon them by “dominant masculinity”. Just to clarify, I recognize that there are many different versions of masculinity out there in the world, many of which invite men to live full, rich lives with meaningful connections to others. When I use the term “dominant masculinity”, I’m referring to a very accessible version of masculinity in which men are expected to be “alpha males” – to dominate physically (often using violence); to avoid showing pain (emotionally, physically, or otherwise); to be the “best” in whatever social circles they’re involved with; and to be in constant competition for supremacy or dominance with others.
Through my work and my own exploration, I’ve come to see how this way of being male is incredibly constraining, as it leaves no room for the vulnerability that supports deeper interpersonal relationships, critical analysis of how we’re living, and openness to growth-promoting experiences. It’s also through “practices of dominant masculinity” (AKA actions and behaviours that are in line with that way of being) that men take up an orientation toward violence. The uncomfortable reality is that the majority of violence in cultures around the world (including here in Victoria) is perpetrated by men. When we stop to think about the prevalence of dominant masculinity in our culture, it makes sense why that is – just look at the movies, video games, and toys marketed toward our male children and young men.
I’ll always remember the way one client explained his relationship to dominant masculinity and the violence he subjected his partner to: “It’s like I make the playing field a mountain (when I use violence) and I sit at the top…and it’s lonely at the top.” This quote speaks to the inherent dissatisfaction that inevitably comes from using violence in relationships and other ways of being dominant. I invite all men who are interested in working toward making our communities safer to consider how they might play a role in that. It can be as simple as refusing to use violence or trying to gain the upper hand in relationships, or encouraging male friends to do the same.
Check out Jackson Katz’s interesting and inspiring Ted Talk on the subject of gender-based violence:
Individual Deficits or Relational Problems?
Lately I’ve had a number of clients come through my door with stories that bare striking similarities to one another. They’ve all described accounts of problems that consist of them “struggling with anxiety for many years”, or “having depression since I was young”, or “really having a hard time managing panic attacks”. From my experience of living in the world – not even just as a counsellor – these are pretty common descriptions of problems people face in daily life. They also leave out some very important details that I try to bring to the forefront in my therapeutic practice.
One thing that I find to be particularly interesting about the people who have made these statements to me recently is that they’ve all made considerable effort to find relief from these problems before coming to see me. They’ve also all explained to me how at least one stop along their journey has involved time spent in specialized groups for anxiety and depression, or counselling approaches geared toward changing the so-called “irrational beliefs” that they’re told are causing their suffering, or medications designed to help regulate their emotions.
These and other similar approaches are among the most accessible interventions for people experiencing distress. Although I’ve had many clients say that these interventions were at least somewhat helpful, I’ve also come to see how they fall short in some key ways. When we describe people as “depressed”, “anxious”, having “low self-esteem”, or “anger issues” (just a few of many examples), we’re missing out on an enormous number of other details about those people. Particularly, we’re failing to account for the contextual factors that support people in feeling the way they feel. The descriptions I listed above all contain an implicit assumption that the problem resides within the mind and body of the individual. If we understand problems in those terms alone, our only option is to try (often in vain) to “fix” people’s brains, or change the way they think.
I prefer to look at people’s problems in relation to things going on in their lives. I know that may sound simple (like, duh!), but it’s a perspective that I think often gets overlooked when people seek help or go for counselling. For example, if we understand unhappiness or depression as a response to some unfavorable circumstances, all of a sudden the emotional experience itself might not look all that problematic. From where I stand, it makes a lot of sense to have uncomfortable emotions in the face of adversity, yet most of us are taught that we’ve deviated from what’s considered “normal” by feeling unhappy or distressed when things aren’t going well.
A number of theorists and writers whose ideas inform my therapeutic practice go into far more detail about these and other related notions, and I could write for days about these topics. However, for the purpose of this blog post, my hope is to invite people to consider more of the context that their problems exist in relation to. A simple way to do that is to ask questions like “in relation to what?” when someone (yourself included) talks about feeling depressed, anxious, bored, overjoyed, or any other emotional experience. This shifts the spotlight away from the mind/brain of the individual, toward the social context, which can then be addressed to make things more livable.
Walk a Mile in Her Shoes
On Sunday, March 26th, 2013, I did something new. I decided to join hundreds of other men, women, and children and participate in the 7th annual Walk a Mile in Her Shoes, hosted by the Victoria Women’s Sexual Assault Center. The organizers of this unique event invite community members – with a particular focus on men – to walk in solidarity while taking a position against sexualized and gender-based violence, which is largely perpetrated by men against women.
Despite the very serious nature of the practices of violence we were opposing, the energy of the event was lively and spirits were high. This was in part due to a particularly unconventional characteristic of the Walk a Mile event: men were given the opportunity to put the metaphor “walk a mile in her shoes” into practice by literally wearing fancy footwear. For me, the novel experience of strutting my stuff wearing a pair of tall wedges, surrounded by a group of likeminded allies was a total blast, and something I would love to do again in the future.
Part of the reason I chose to participate in this year’s Walk a Mile in Her Shoes was to stand in solidarity with the many clients I’ve worked with – both women and men – who have been victims of sexualized violence. I left the event feeling excited about the way in which there appears to be a turning of the tide in men’s culture. An increasing number of men are recognizing that what often gets called “violence against women” is not just a women’s issue. I believe that more and more men are taking interest in contributing to a world that is safe for all its citizens, regardless of their gender, and stepping into the realm of accountability by thinking critically about how we’re taught how to be men within the larger culture. As a therapist I’ve always enjoyed engaging with clients in fascinating conversations about how they cleverly and beautifully resist violence – either as perpetrators or victims. These conversations are important steps toward ending gender-based violence, and are crucial to engage in all year – not just on special occasions like Walk a Mile.
I’d like to offer tremendous gratitude to those who contributed pledges in support of my participation in this event, and for helping me raise way more than my goal of $500.00. I’m already eagerly looking forward to doing it all again next year!
Solidarity & TC 10k
Greetings friends and community members!
With the Times Colonist 10k run nearly upon us, I thought I might offer some ideas that have been on my mind relative to my practice of therapy and my training as a participant in the TC 10k.
A couple of years ago I was introduced to the writings and ideas of a Vancouver based therapist and activist named Vikki Reynolds (see http://www.vikkireynolds.ca/). Among her many inspirational ideas is her notion of solidarity. Writing mainly for an audience of front-line workers in the helping professions, Vikki emphasizes solidarity – “the interconnections of our collective movements towards social justice, and in resisting oppression” – as paramount for surviving the disheartening experiences that often accompany working to address problems that promote people’s suffering. In a workshop I attended last November, her words resonated deeply with me as she challenged the myth that “self-care” is sufficient in and of itself with respect to front-line workers maintaining sustainability in their work. She made it clear that if we are to survive disheartening circumstances, we need to engage in practices of solidarity – to hold each other up, because one person’s suffering is inextricably linked to the suffering of all people.
Through conversations I’ve had with people in therapy, I’ve come to recognize the applicability of these ideas to all people in society – not just therapists and other helping professionals. Unfortunately, I’ve found that ideas that promote solidarity often take a back seat to ideas that serve to divide and isolate people. We’re told that we need to “be strong”, and that being “strong” means that we “stand on our own two feet” no matter the adversity we are subjected to, and that we ourselves are solely responsible for our own “successes” and “failures”. In addition to that, we are told that we will “burden” others if we ask for help. I’ve learned from the people I seek to help that these ideas are most discouraging of seeking solidarity when support is needed. It seems apparent that these commonly held notions of “strength” and “burdening” do more harm than good, as people buckle under the tremendous weight of their struggles for fear of infecting others with their problems or appearing “weak” if they risk asking for a supportive hand or shoulder to lean on. I’ve been told by some that their experiences of panic attacks and intense anxiety have been influenced by their adherence to these notions of “strength” and “burdening” that keep them isolated and limited in their relational resources. For this reason, I absolutely encourage all people – in the therapy room or elsewhere – to hold their communities of support close and to resist those commonly held ideas that sustain isolation and related problems.
As a TC 10k trainee, I’ve come to appreciate the practice of solidarity in a new light. Having little experience in the area of long-distance running, I suspected that training to run 10k on my own might be a challenging endeavor. For this reason I sought out a like-minded running partner – a person who shared my recognition of the importance of support in taking on challenges. Together we have motivated one another to continue our training on those days we might rather sit on the couch. We’ve been there for each other to offer words of encouragement, high-fives, and pats on the back when we’ve reached new goals. Without a doubt, engaging in practices of solidarity while training for the TC 10k has enriched my experience by bringing in someone to share in our collective triumphs and hold me up on days I’ve felt less inclined to run. Now, as I approach my first ever 10k run, I’m eagerly excited to experience how we – the thousands of participants – hold each other up on April 29th.